There is no greater horror in life than being in the presence of someone else, a person you care deeply about, a lover, a friend, a family member, having just shared some experience in their immediate proximity, and yet feeling at the same time that suddenly they are not with you, that you are alone. How can it be? You have just shared an experience, a dinner, a conversation, maybe even a moment of silence, you undeniably occupy the same general physical space. And yet, you suddenly have the unmistakable feeling that you have been expunged from reality in their mind, that they no longer acknowledge your presence. You feel as if your existence in reality suddenly bears no more weight or validity than a ghost's. At such moments you feel the need to confirm your existence so you touch your body, you literally pinch yourself to feel pain - your own perceptions are not enough because they can be deceptive - while another part of you feels overwhelmingly that you may not exist at all. And it is then that you begin to understand that your existence is comprised of two parts, one that is in your mind, an idea which itself may carry doubts, and even more consequentially, a part of you exists in the minds of others over which you have no sway. The acknowledgement of others is as necessary a validation of your existence as your own sense and idea of yourself. Even more, it is the acknowledgement of your existence by others that is more fundamental than the notion of your existence in your own mind. For what if this independent confirmation of your existence is absent? This moment of being in the presence of someone else and then suddenly feeling completely alone and unacknowledged, brings you back to one of the cruelest of childhood games. The sheer terror when your mom or dad feigns a sort of blindness, acting like you've inexplicably vanished, even as you are right in front of them. They say, "where's Johnny? I don't see Johnny? You've disappeared!" And you plead with them "I'm right here! Right in front of you!" "Yes, you were here just a second ago, and now you've disappeared. I can hear your voice but I don't see you! Where are you" "I'm still here! I'm right here."
Yet another way that our parents inadvertently screw us up! :) I have often thought that the worst torture is being ignored, but perhaps even worse is the suggestion that you don't exist at all! You're in the room but you're not really in the room. You're there but you're not really there. Or no one recognizes that you are there. I think about Dostoyevsky's Underground Man, which had a profound impact on me when I read it as an undergrad ... a guy that sort of doesn't exist. Or Ralph Ellison's "Invisible Man". Or Dustin Hoffman crossing the street in Midnight Cowboy: "I'm walking here!"
ReplyDeleteOne time I was sitting in a shul that I don't normally go to, and some guy sat next to me on the pew, took off his hat and put it on my lap, as if I wasn't there! "Hey, I'm sitting here!" I said to him.
Btw, for the reverse idea, the thrill of not being anywhere, of of escaping from the scene at the right time, I'd recommend Dylan's song, "I'm Not There."