I've received some interesting, thoughtful and helpful responses to my previous post about 'working on your relationship' that I think merit further elucidation and clarification.
1. The post attempts to shift the frame of reference - to think about relationships, especially intimate ones, in a manner that suggests a different way of understanding and approaching them. I'm not providing any advice, or tips, or rules, because every relationship is completely different, as different as the two individuals involved, and that's fundamental. No two relationships are exactly the same. What works for some will not work for others. I think the better approach is to give people a framework for thinking about their relationship, and let them decide what they need to do to get to a better place, however they define better. One size does not fit all. But what I am arguing is that thinking about your relationship as something that needs tending, as if it's an independent entity, a baby that needs feeding, is fundamentally unhelpful. It suggests that you know what's best for the relationship and the other party does not. That's false. No one knows what is best for a relationship, they only know what is best for them, or rather what they want.
2. On dissing therapists and therapy: I think therapy is great. I've consulted therapists in the past, both marriage and personal. There is value in therapy, namely exactly what I'm talking about, to change your personal frame of reference. Good therapists provide their clients with new perspectives so they can reconsider their approach and behaviour, and make changes if they wish to. It's all about taking personal responsibility. Therapy is about giving clients options and alternatives to what is not working for them. And again, it respects the bedrock principle that change begins and ends with one person - you.
3. Communication: What therapy is most helpful for is learning the skills of communication. How to express yourself so your partner has a chance to hear what you are saying, and equally important, how to listen so your partner has a chance to expresss him/herself. This is definitely 'relational' meaning it's a dynamic that takes place in the context of a relationship. But I'd argue it's an individual skill, so it fits squarely in the paradigm of taking individual responsibility and self-improvement ie. growing your circle. Good communication skills are transferable and extremely useful in every facet of life. I'd say it's perhaps the essence of relationship therapy, so why not call it 'Communication Therapy' instead.
4. Getting to 'Yes': Obviously I think relationships can improve - otherwise why bother writing my post - but the main point is that they change not because you are trying to change them, but rather because you are changing yourself. Tug-of-war relationships are difficult and exhausting, and I argue ultimately likely to fail, because one person is always trying to change the other person, by pulling them over to their side. This does not mean that you can't express your needs and desires to your partner. On the contrary, you must express your needs and desires. But you should not expect your partner to satisfy those desires. You should not be saying I need you to do X or Y (because it's best for the relationship). The expression should always focus on how you feel - I like going for walks and would love for you to join me. If the answer is no, you may feel disappointed, which is normal, but that disappointment is your problem, not your partner's. In this instance, you expressed an honest desire, and they gave an honest answer. The honesty is what is important. No one should be doing anything for the relationship. They should only be doing it for themselves. And sometimes that means doing things you don't necessarily want to do initially, but you will see the value in doing it anyway, and find a way of getting to yes, because you value and care for your partner. Getting to yes means you genuinely and sincerely want to do it, without reservation, for your own reasons. You take full responsibility for your decision. Feeling that you have been forced or pressured into doing something always leads to resentments. Getting to yes, is an internal individual process. In my experience, generosity and opennness comes much more naturally with individuals who are personally content and fulfilled, and so getting to yes is easy. Being resistant to the needs and desires of your partner usually indicates that you are unhappy and signals a need to work on your personal growth.
5. Why bother? If relationships are fundamentally all about individual growth ie. learning how to be honest and true to yourself, why bother with relationships? Why not just go to individual therapy, or spend time in an ashram or ascetic temple where you can meditate in silence all day long? I think there's a place for that. But we are social creatures, we're not made to be alone. And one of the best ways to grow as an individual is precisely in the context of a relationship. You can learn things about yourself in a relationship that you cannot learn on your own. One thing, as mentioned, is communication skills. But more importantly you can only learn about love, trust, generosity, empathy, understanding and so much more that enriches the individual's experience of life in the context of a relationship. Relationships can be individually challenging and present opportunities for growth that are unique, and the deeper the relationship, the more there is to learn. In other words, there are some ways that your circle can grow only in a relationship.
6. Some relationships don't work, there are no guarantees. This will happen in two possible ways, according to the Venn Diagram. If the nature of the relationship has a tug-of-war dynamic, one or both parties will simply decide to let go of their side of the rope, essentially they will give up. Chances are this comes about from exhaustion, disappointment, resentment, frustration and anger ie. negative feelings ending in recrimination and blame. Imagine a tug-of-war ending when a rope full of tension is suddenly let go. The other type of relationship, the one based on personal growth, is much stronger and more flexible, and has a much better chance of long term success. But sometimes those too can fail. In this case the parties drift apart because they decide their personal growth is better served outside the relationship than within it. Imagine two growing bubbles floating apart. The separation is mutual and has none of the negativity of the tug-of-war. It is an ending based on respect, in which the parties accept that there is no sense trying to hold on to a relationship where one or both parties are unfulfilled and unsatisfied, and the relationship has run its course and needs to end for the sake of personal growth.
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