Why do I hate it so much when my wife tells me that we need to work on our relationship? It grates on my nerves, and I answer her sarcastically. I say, collecting rent is enough work for me, I don't need another job. The image above is the product of my request to ChatGPT to draw me a picture of my marriage. I'm kidding (sorta). I asked AI for a cartoon of exactly what is depicted, a Venn Diagram having a tug-of-war. Let me explain.
The Venn Diagram is, to my mind, the best illustration of any two-party relationship, because it comprises three basic elements, two independent, well-defined, individual parties, and a section in the middle shaped by an overlap. The size and content of the overlap is what defines everything the parties have in common ie. ‘the relationship’. A Venn Diagram illustrates many aspects of a relationship in a helpful, concise way.
First, it shows that every relationship is actually just made up of two defined individuals (circles). I know many billions in relationship therapy has been spent, and many millions of people have been certified as relationship counsellors, but actually there is no such thing as 'the relationship' per se, at least not as an independent entity. It’s just a configuration of the two circles. The relationship does not need scrutiny or thinking about, like a baby or a pet that needs feeding. It's a byproduct of two people interacting, an expression of commonalities of individual values, objectives and desires.
Second, the Venn Diagram suggests that there are two ways to change the size and content of the area of overlap. One way is for one party to pull the other party over to their side. In this dynamic - familiar to partnerships where a lot is at stake like in a marriage - it becomes a kind of tug-of-war. Each person is trying to bring the other person over to their side, to their way of thinking, to their point of view, so the overlap includes more of their circle. These types of partnerships tend to be contentious, the kind in which people talk a lot about 'compromise' and 'work' for the sake of 'the relationship'. When the overlap gets bigger, in this instance, it also gets lopsided, favouring one side over the other. A one-sided overlap is an out of balance partnership that is unstable and usually unsustainable. They're energy-draining and exhausting to the individual parties, and foster resentment and disappointment in one party or both, as the parties tug back and forth.
The alternative way to increase the size and content of the overlap - the only one I'd argue that is sustainable and balanced - is a partnership that expands because one, or better both, of the individual circles gets bigger on their own. It's not based on a tug-of-war of two rigidly defined circles trying to pull one circle over to the other. Instead, it's more like two permeable bubbles swelling with air. It doesn't treat the relationship as a separate entity requiring 'attention' and 'work', but rather as a natural byproduct of individual emotional, intellectual and spiritual growth.
Women seem to have more trouble with this concept than men. They are biologically and genetically designed to nurture, and so tend to regard relationships like a child, as a separate entity requiring attention. Plus, traditionally women have been brought up and socialized to think of the needs of others before their own. So much so, that when they feel a need to pay attention to their own needs, they often have to compete with feelings of guilt. It’s part of the reason they invent terms like 'self-care' which gives them a permission structure to attend to their own needs since it's a type of 'caring'. Guilt-free selfishness comes much more naturally to men.
Mahatma Gandhi reportedly said, "If you want to change the world, start with yourself." I think the same idea works for partnerships. Happy, self-respecting, contented and fulfilled individuals, make better partners. Invariably, if one partner is pressuring another partner to take action 'for the relationship', what they actually mean is 'it's what I want' ie. a tug of the Venn Diagram in my direction, the commonalities should include more of my circle. They may think that saying it's 'for the relationship' gives their individual desire the moral stamp of approval ie. it's not 'selfish'. But actually that's what it is, which is perfectly okay. The only honest approach to a better relationship is through each partner taking full responsibility for their own emotional well-being and actions. The focus should never be on the other party or 'the relationship' - a signal that you are trying to externalize, and avoid personal responsibility. The best relationships are ‘selfish’ ones, in the sense that you are being true to your own needs and desires, to both yourself and to your partner. If there's 'work' to do it's on oneself, and each partner should give the other partner the time, support and understanding required.
2 comments:
I read this one out loud to my wife, and she heartily agreed with your thesis! (As do I, but that goes without saying!) My wife's comment was that each person pursuing his or her own goals and interests (and thereby growing) is a good thing ... except if this personal growth causes the couple to grow apart. In other words, the intersecting part can be at risk if the areas of interest that each individual pursues are somehow diametrically opposed to the areas of interest that the other partner is pursuing, or are simply just not of interest to the other partner. Luckily, this isn't an issue for my wife and I. Also, I think our mutual tolerance for shrinkage of the intersecting portion of the venn diagram (which is usually temporary, because the size of the intersection ebbs and flows over time) has helped sustain our relationship over the many years we have been together.
Thanks for reading and sharing. It's been the subject of quite a lot of discussion in my household. It seems that my prediction that women would have a harder time with the idea than men is playing out, which makes me a bit surprised that Faye agreed wholeheartedly. I shared your message with my wife and she nodded when she heard Faye agreed, except then she said she heard that "hardly" not "heartily" LOL. Undoubtedly, couple can grow apart, and very often do. But actually, according to my thesis, that just means one or both parties have chosen to exit the relationship, and the Venn Diagram would no longer apply, because it's meant to describe relationship dynamics. So assuming that two parties wish to maintain a partnership, for whatever reason - and that's significant because there are as many reasons for staying together as there are types of people - the question becomes what role does personal growth play in the relationship? My argument is that that personal growth, in the context of a relationship with someone you love, makes you more loving, generous and accepting of your partner, by definition. Sometimes people focus on the contents of the overlap, the common interests ie. responsibilities, finances, kids, hobbies, goals etc. I don't think that matters. I think what matters is that whatever each partner pursues in the way of personal growth must be supported by the other partner - and that's the critical issue.
Post a Comment